ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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