mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
