There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
