I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
