I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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