My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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