I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
