I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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