dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
