is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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