remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
