My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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