I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
