Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can text with my tongue
I've blown a few things in my day
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
