____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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