i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
