Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
