Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How does it feel to date your dad?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
