she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
