U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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