So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
