If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
