im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
