I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
