perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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