I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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