just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
