the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Is Oprah even human
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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