so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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