haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
