So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
