dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
