Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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