I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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