This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
