I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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