you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
