My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My liver just broke up with me...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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