So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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