I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
PS: I just woke up from my shower
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
