Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
