4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
