Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
