last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
