i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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