oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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