You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
honey bunches of taint.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
