My room smells like vodka and shame
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
