I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
