I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
