We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
